Reflections from the Snow Covered Hills

So it's been about a week since I last blogged because I've been a little bogged down in school. I finally have a minute to collect my thoughts a write a little something.

The end of winter semester here at BYU-Idaho is coming to a close and as I've been reflecting on the last 3 months, I've realized a few important things.

1. It is simply NOT ok to slack off for 2 months and then expect to get all A's the last month.
2. Life is better when you actually go to church for the right reasons.
3. Roommates can be your best friends if you get the right apartment.
4. Roommates can be overwhelming.
5. Some things are NOT ok even if they are in the name of love.
6. Scroll is actually a credible paper, regardless of what students here have to say.
7. Rexburg winters DO last the entire semester, and then some.
8. Redbox is apparently the hottest thing to hit this town since the pioneers.
9. There was a tutor the WHOLE semester for Sociology that basically gives out answers to the test....sad I only found that out for the last test!
10. Texas Roadhouse in Idaho Falls is a little piece of Heaven.
11. People are still going to the gym and standing in a line to WALK ON A TREADMILL.
12. The stadium stairs will either kill you or give you the tightest pair of calves you've ever had in your life!
13. People are still meeting and getting engaged in record time.
14. The girls at Sage Spa definitely have spirit fingers.
15. Never get a pedicure at Career Beauty College.
16. Some people do get lost in Idaho Falls and call other people who aren't even from Idaho to help them(love ya long time, Lindsay).
17. Jazz Night is actually VERY cool.
18. People do not appreciate others cooking for them.
19. Laurissa had pms the WHOLE semester...or at least thats what she said her reasoning was for never talking to me.
20. It is, in fact, possible to make it through another winter here without doing something irate.

There is much more to say about this semester, but at this particular point, this is all I can think of. My mind is a mess with all the group projects I still have left to complete in a week. I'll keep you posted.

What It Would Be Like

Shopping at the mall, getting my nails done, and driving on a long trip always make me wonder what it would be like if my mom were here with me as an adult.

I remember my relationship with her as a child well and our sometimes difficult relationship as a teenager. I'm glad I have those memories, but I wonder what our relationship would be like now as an adult. So many things have changed in my life, so many years gone since she passed away, and everyday I still wonder how things might have been today.

I hear so many people talk about their relationships with their mothers, I listen to my roommates talk to their moms on the phone and it always crosses my mind, would she and I have that same kind of relationship? Would she call me to check up on how my classes were going? Go Christmas shopping together during the break? Would she be proud of the things I have accomplished in my life so far? Would I randomly call her to talk about the cute boy that asked me out? Would she be there for me when he broke my heart?

I think about those questions a lot and even though it makes me sad, it's okay because since I don't know, I can pretend she would be all of those things for me.

Most of the time I never think about how different not having a mom makes me. I guess I assumed it had no real affect on me at all, that I was invincible when it came to emotional heartache. But now I've realized that it's made me SO different from a lot of my friends. For example, I want to be compassionate towards others and their trials, but I can't. I love my friends and am concerned for them, but in my mind, I know they can make it through and so I don't spend a lot of time feeling sorry for people.

I suddenly became very independent. The little girl who never used to want to be away from her home, went all the way across the country for college and never looked back once. I found peace in being alone and not so much caring how many close friends I had.

I was very needy as a child, very clingy to my parents, especially my mom, and if someone had told me back then that I would lose my mom when I was 19, I would have lived my life in total despair. I would have never gone anywhere and spent every moment with her. And the biggest change it's made in me is that I just feel old. Maybe losing my mom isn't the whole reason, but I just feel old most of the time.

I've never really taken a moment to really think about these issues surrounding my mom's death, but I'm guessing they're not all good. But on the bright side, as a result of being pushed into being independent and more responsible, I've grown so much as a person. Probably more so than I had if she was still here. I would definitely rather have her back than all these life experiences, but I can see God's hand in most everything I've gone through.

I guess the point is, I just wonder. What if, what if, what if, you know? I'm so different from the 19 year old she left, that who even knows what kind of a relationship we would have. Maybe she wouldn't even like me anymore. Or maybe she would love me even more. It's impossible to know. But what I might suggest is taking your blessings into consideration and thanking our Heavenly Father for all that we have, especially if we have our moms still. Although I've lost my mom, I was blessed with a friend, so rare and so obviously from our Father in Heaven, that I can't complain much about what I'm missing in life.

Live everyday to the fullest. It's the only way to be. God will never give us more than we can bear.

Sheryl Crow said it best....

"....I think a change would do you good".

And it remains true. Something I've learned these last few months is that if you go through life trying to live for someone else, you'll never be happy.

This year I chose to make 2009 not only about me, but what I could do to be a better person to serve others. Honestly, my first couple months at this was unsuccessful. However, as time has progressed and situations have unfurled, it's gotten a lot easier to see the changes in others simply because of a change in me.

Maybe it was because I woke up one day startled by the thought that I was actually 23 and had done nothing significant. Or maybe it was because I was tired of being miserable with myself because I felt like people in my life didn't care because they thought I was selfish. Well anyway, whatever the reason, a change was made.

I've never been to this point in my life before where I am actually happy for no reason. I find delight in simplicity. I used to crave the company of others and fear the thought of being alone. Not anymore. It saddens me to think of all the years I wasted thinking I was inadequate to have friends or people to love me.

Realizing your life has value, but realizing OTHERS life has worth and value is the core of life, the root of happiness. If I had only figured all that out earlier, what a difference that would have made. Life can be exceptional if we can find that place and joy in our lives that we all possess, but often is misplaced. Dig deep, search high and low, it is always there just waiting for you.