What It Would Be Like

Shopping at the mall, getting my nails done, and driving on a long trip always make me wonder what it would be like if my mom were here with me as an adult.

I remember my relationship with her as a child well and our sometimes difficult relationship as a teenager. I'm glad I have those memories, but I wonder what our relationship would be like now as an adult. So many things have changed in my life, so many years gone since she passed away, and everyday I still wonder how things might have been today.

I hear so many people talk about their relationships with their mothers, I listen to my roommates talk to their moms on the phone and it always crosses my mind, would she and I have that same kind of relationship? Would she call me to check up on how my classes were going? Go Christmas shopping together during the break? Would she be proud of the things I have accomplished in my life so far? Would I randomly call her to talk about the cute boy that asked me out? Would she be there for me when he broke my heart?

I think about those questions a lot and even though it makes me sad, it's okay because since I don't know, I can pretend she would be all of those things for me.

Most of the time I never think about how different not having a mom makes me. I guess I assumed it had no real affect on me at all, that I was invincible when it came to emotional heartache. But now I've realized that it's made me SO different from a lot of my friends. For example, I want to be compassionate towards others and their trials, but I can't. I love my friends and am concerned for them, but in my mind, I know they can make it through and so I don't spend a lot of time feeling sorry for people.

I suddenly became very independent. The little girl who never used to want to be away from her home, went all the way across the country for college and never looked back once. I found peace in being alone and not so much caring how many close friends I had.

I was very needy as a child, very clingy to my parents, especially my mom, and if someone had told me back then that I would lose my mom when I was 19, I would have lived my life in total despair. I would have never gone anywhere and spent every moment with her. And the biggest change it's made in me is that I just feel old. Maybe losing my mom isn't the whole reason, but I just feel old most of the time.

I've never really taken a moment to really think about these issues surrounding my mom's death, but I'm guessing they're not all good. But on the bright side, as a result of being pushed into being independent and more responsible, I've grown so much as a person. Probably more so than I had if she was still here. I would definitely rather have her back than all these life experiences, but I can see God's hand in most everything I've gone through.

I guess the point is, I just wonder. What if, what if, what if, you know? I'm so different from the 19 year old she left, that who even knows what kind of a relationship we would have. Maybe she wouldn't even like me anymore. Or maybe she would love me even more. It's impossible to know. But what I might suggest is taking your blessings into consideration and thanking our Heavenly Father for all that we have, especially if we have our moms still. Although I've lost my mom, I was blessed with a friend, so rare and so obviously from our Father in Heaven, that I can't complain much about what I'm missing in life.

Live everyday to the fullest. It's the only way to be. God will never give us more than we can bear.