"I wish that I could have this moment for life"

Technically, my title of this post is better known as "Moment 4 Life" by Nicki Minaj. As I was driving in my car today and selected the WRONG playlist on my ipod, this song got shuffled. I hear this song on the radio constantly but because it is overplayed, I NEVER listen to it. Today was a different experience.

I cannot explain how this would make any sense to anyone but myself, so I won't even attempt to explain. I just need to write this out because...well, as if you haven't noticed, I like to write....about.....whatever.

After so many months of thinking I would never feel happiness again, I realized I was in the happiest time of my life. This isn't my ideal life that I would have dreamt when I was in college. But then again, nothing in my life has ever really been planned. Moving to UT and ID for college was never planned, it was like on a whim. Moving to LA was a total whim. Moving back to SC...yeah, sort of on a whim, yet again. Each and every place I have lived, I have felt as if that was better than the last place I lived. What's the saying again??? "The grass is always greener on the other side". Well, the grass in LA is a little bit greener...and the water is a little bluer. AND the night life is a little better. Well....and the shopping is better. AND....maybe the scenery in general is just a lot better, however.....there is grass in SC. Green grass. Green grass accompanied by little flowers and bees and puppies and bunnies, and whatever else there is outside, haha.

I just all of a sudden realized while I was driving today that I was totally and completely in love with my life. Everything about it, too. My family is here.....my sister is finally becoming my best friend, something that I think we've always wanted, but there was always too much going on to get to that part of our relationship. I'm healthy. I'm in love. I have doggies. I have things to look forward to. I have a job. I don't even know what all else to even say....it's just really small things too that I am starting to see.

I actually wouldn't change anything in my life. I had a fantastic time in LA lots of the time. Maybe Sara and I had our falling outs, but I'm grateful to her because without her, I would have not had that opportunity. I've got to experience so many things that I never even thought I would. It finally occurred to me....LIFE IS FULL OF UPS AND DOWNS, THATS WHAT MAKES IT SO PERFECT.

So, I wish that I could have this moment for life. I hope I can hold on to this feeling for as long as I can. I know everything is temporary in it's own way....but.....it's about holding on and enjoying where you are right now. No looking back. Only look back to remember the
good.

Thanks, Nicki Minaj ----------->

I'm going to be an.....AUNTIE!!!

I must make this short and sweet. But yes, it is true. Little baby Brittany boo boo is having a baby boo boo of her own. Being that this is going to actually be MY baby is all, here are some things that I have already thought of:

1. If it's a girl, the only suitable names would be "Etta" or "Chaka". No other options.

2. If it's a boy, we shall name him "Topher". And I am not kidding. Brittany is going to have to understand that this is my baby too, ha.

3. Because I want to be the most FAVORITE Auntie of all...although, I will be the only aunt, haha, I think that I must start a trust fund...TODAY.

4. High school graduation trip to Paris, check.

5. A closet full of Baby Gap....soon to be check.

6. I'm going to make his/her own room at my house.

7. In spite of all things, I MUST be liked by this child. I have such a phobia that children hate me, which is kind of accurate, but I will train this baby that there is nobody like Auntie Brys and it will love me almost more than Brittany.

There will be more posts on this topic, I am sure...with pictures to follow. I will upload all 23 pregnant test photos as soon as I can steal Brittany's camera when she isn't expecting it, ha.

Men.

Observation:

1. Men don't talk a lot. At least, all the ones I've dated don't.

2. Men like to fix things. Not just objects, they just want problems and emotional issues to heal really quickly. Girls, don't be whiners.

3. Real men like to cook! And cook well too!

4. My MAN likes Oprah. Winning!

5. Men also like pretty things. Don't let them fool you, they appreciate a nice table cloth and candles. They really do.

6. Men use the same towel....for DAYS at a time. Why? I don't know. Are they aware of the stack of clean towels on the rack? Yes. Does it matter? No. They are simply being resourceful.

7. Men like fast cars. And I love that they love that.

8. Men like building things even if they have no skill at it whatsoever. It's so endearing.

9. Men pose as sweaty construction workers in corny ads and it's hot. It just is.

This post has no meaning whatsoever. I just really appreciate men at this moment. I think I might be high from this paint thinner that I spilled in this room a while ago though. Whatever the case, I think men are fabulous and we should celebrate their wonderfulness more often.

Let's Reader's Digest this junk right now...

I haven't blogged in so long that it's nearly impossible to say everything I want to say in one post, therefore, I have decided to condense the story to the best of my ability and then elaborate later.

Plot 1

After graduating BYU-Idaho and leaving Rexburg, for what I hope will not be eternity, I moved back to SLC with Veronica in the Summer of '09. We were living the high life too--let me tell ya. We moved into an apt that we couldn't afford, being that we didn't really have jobs and all. Totally NOT ready to take on the world that college had prepared us for. Yet we were totally ready in every way. That whole Summer was fantastic. We spent everyday by the pool, hanging out with Jac, who is now Veronica's boyfriend for what seems like FOREVER, and basically just spending all our savings at DSW Shoes (k, maybe that was me, Veronica is more of a Payless kind of girl, love HER :-)) We tried going to our new Singles Ward, for all you non-LDS, it's a Mormon church for single people. Basically, the whole point is to get married and have babies. Veronica and I SUCK at it. Everyone in our ward drove Bentley's and looked like Abercrombie models. Once, in Sunday school, I smelt the girl next to me BURNING. True story. She had literally just come from the tanning salon prior to Sacrament. I'd know that smell anywhere. Needless to say, as much as I love living above my means, it was too much to handle every Sunday. We sort of started ward hopping...which in the end, leads to no hopping at all... Just standing...still...in your apt on Sunday NOT going to church at all. By the end of the Summer, I was bored with Utah. Veronica moved out of the apt into a townhouse, we had harsh words, and then I took off to California. (This is really leaving out a lot of important factors, but this is a blog, not a confessional, after all).

Plot 2

I moved to California. I moved to Los Angeles. Somehow I was really not aware of what LA consisted of at this time. My map location skills have always been a little rusty. I had no idea that I was a canyon away from Malibu, or that Beverly Hills was 20 mins the other direction...or that Hollywood was literally only miles away. It all sort of just hit me oneday. It wasn't the shock of where I was, or how far away from home I was...but it was the realization that somehow my life would never be the same after all this. I knew I wanted to live there. I knew it was where I'd always be. Yet, there was this nagging part in my heart that knew this was going to be a wave and I was going to try and ride it for as long as I possibly could. I was right about the wave part. It was more like a tidal wave. It was a big ass tidal wave that I got stuck in. I can't even spill all the details at this moment. It was the most beautiful disaster I had ever experienced. In all it's fabulousness, my life turned into a pretty mess. I went from a semi-normal girl, who had been living the BYU-I honor code for some time now, to complete freedom where nobody knew me and I could do whatever I pleased. It didn't happen like that over night, but now that I look at the whole picture, I guess it did. I cannot blame LA. I will not blame any of my friends that I made while I was there. It could have happened anywhere, I just happened to be in a city where things seemed more acceptable. I've always had agency and known right from wrong, but over time....I lost my discernment. You can't be in a worse spot in life as you are when you can't discern whats good and whats bad anymore. It's all downhill from there. So--to spare the FANTASTIC details of Bryson's life in SoCal, I will just simply leave it at this: LA was everything I hoped it would be and more. If I could do it again, I would. I'd probably make all the same mistakes and love it. I will miss it and cherish my time there for a long time, but I now know it is time to move on. I made some amazing friends there, fell in love, fell out of love, and then came back to the people that always loved me even when I pushed them away, my family.

Plot 3

Moving back to SC, especially under the circumstances in which it happened, was more than horrific. I had a pretty good job in LA, I loved my job actually. I had a boyfriend, I had a car, I had a place to live, I had awesome friends, and I had a life. I went to work oneday, had dinner with friends that night, and then the next morning was on a plane to SC. In 24 hours, my life went all haywire it seemed. The next day I woke up in my old bed, my hot pink room, with pictures all around of me in a life that seemed like it never even existed before LA. I had forgotten ALL about who I was before LA happened. I still don't understand how and what that even means. It just did. As painful as some things were in LA, I just laid in bed and cried. Constantly. Nothing made sense. I had no idea where my life would go from here. How could it??? I had gone from a happening city back to my house at the end of a dirt road....with chickens. Did I mention we have chickens? Uhh, we have chickens. All my high school friends have moved on in their lives, most married with families. No one lives in Walterboro anymore. But I do now. I swore I'd never come back once I found a way out. And now here I was. You can't know this ache in the pit of your stomach until it happens to you. I felt like I was always on the edge of something really big in my life and then I gave up when it got too hard. IS that how it was??? Or is that how it was supposed to be? I'll never know. But here I am now and good things are starting to happen again. I had a couple conversations with a friend of a friend of mine, who I think she might have sort of had this same situation happen in her life, just a little similar. She told me that I had to move on and basically focus on myself and leave LA in LA. It was then that I realized I was spending everyday reliving all the good and bad that had happened there, but not living in the present at all. I don't even know her, but it was a true revelation. Things have been moving in an upward direction ever since. Now I'm in love. Really in love. And I'm being loved back, which is honestly something I have never felt before.

NOOOWWWW, if anybody really even read all that crap I just wrote, thank you, haha. The other posts to follow this will be much shorter. I just felt like, for myself, I needed to bridge the gap in time on my blog. It HAS been 2 years after all.

It's been so long...too long...

I haven't blogged in so long, I know, I should be ashamed. It doesn't necessarily mean I haven't been writing (I haven't), but a lot of things have changed in my life over the past three weeks. Here is a recap of what's gone down since the last time I posted:

• I graduated college
• My dad came for a visit
• I moved back to Salt Lake
• I have no job
• I started exercising again
• My best friend and I aren't speaking
• I started watching cable tv for the first time in over a year (weird)
  
• There are, in fact, Stevie Nicks fans younger than me, and I found them. (weirder)

It doesn't sound like a significant list of accomplishments or activities, but it's making a huge impact on my life, both positive and negatively. 

In the beginning, graduation meant starting a new life, a new job, a new me. It's been almost three weeks later and I'm learning that graduation doesn't really mean any of those things. I've been desperately searching and applying for jobs I would love to have, and even ones that I definitely am over qualified for, but the point is, I need income. Although I am sure there is a lesson to be learned, in the moment of heartbreak and disappointment, it just seems endless. 

Ultimately, the plan is to have conquered a career no later than Friday. I don't know if thats really going to happen, but it has to. I just want to really feel independent. Although I have felt independent for along time now, there's another aspect of independence that I haven't quite felt yet, and I think that this may be it. 

Since I've made the big leap from college to the real world, and the even bigger leap from Rexburg to Salt Lake, I find myself feeling a little bit "let down" by it all. The little Idaho town that I once felt was hell, now looks very different to me. I miss Rexburg a lot. My last semester of college brought something fresh and new to my life that I had never felt before. Now that it's over, I'm not sure what I feel, if I even feel anything at all.

Tomorrow will be a new day, just as today was, and I will eagerly search for more jobs, in hopes that Friday really will be the day of employment celebration. The question that lingers in my mind is, what does any of this mean? What does life mean? Why do things happen? Is there actually any real reason why anything happens, or does it just happen? I have no inclination of whether things are just a series of constant changing events, triggered by each thing before it, or if there is something spiritual actually going on that is directing event traffic. I don't know. But that is definitely what I am going to be pondering and figuring out until I can understand any of this. 

Until next time...

Sometimes it just be that way.

I've come to the conclusion that sometimes things are just how they are and no matter what we do to change them or alter them, you just can't. For along time I felt like I knew that everything was changeable, that no matter the situation or circumstances that lie before you, there was always something you could do to make it better...or not even better...just different in some way. I think I have proven myself wrong.

As vague as this is, I can't really elaborate on the story any more than this because there are others involved. However, the point is....maybe we actually shouldn't want to be in control of everything. Maybe some relationships and situations in our lives should just remain how they are. Maybe we should just let the memories live on and stop trying to make peace with them. 

So, thats what I've done and I must admit, it feels good. It feels incredibly GOOD to just be at peace with myself and not frustrated about changing myself or trying to change someone else to make a supposed "better"situation. 

To sum this up, I guess, if you are having a hard time following because I tend to ramble and be really vague sometimes, is that sometimes we just have to let things go. This actually might make more sense if EVERYONE reads my book that IS going to get published someday....haha, well....one can only hope, right? It really is kinda good, I'm not just saying that because I wrote it either. 

BFF's

I've gotten rusty in my writing skills it seems. I haven't written anything in so long and it's been quite refreshing actually. However, I do miss it. On the other hand, what is there to write about anyway??? 

Friends. That is what is on my mind today. I've had many friends come and go in my life and for the longest time through middle and high school, I felt like everyone had a best friend but me. There were those that said they considered me "one of their best friends" but I never had that "Beaches" friendship like Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey had. It wasn't until college that I met my very best friend, a friendship I never thought I'd have.

We've been through almost every possible situation you could imagine and we're always there for each other. Of course we have out little ins and outs with each other, things that make us mad, but our friendship is so far beyond that. I know her heart and she knows mine and we'll always take up for each other as long as we're alive. College is soon coming to an end and it will be hard to live far away from her, but we've already lived in different states for a semester and when we saw each other again, it was like we'd just seen each other the day before. 

It's hard to find good friends that bring you up. Veronica and I will always be bff's. I recently just watched "The Women" for a second time and I finally could relate to one of those friendship movies. Those silly, heart felt friendships you see in movies aren't just in the movies, they can be real, but are rare. I'm thankful for mine.