It's been so long...too long...

I haven't blogged in so long, I know, I should be ashamed. It doesn't necessarily mean I haven't been writing (I haven't), but a lot of things have changed in my life over the past three weeks. Here is a recap of what's gone down since the last time I posted:

• I graduated college
• My dad came for a visit
• I moved back to Salt Lake
• I have no job
• I started exercising again
• My best friend and I aren't speaking
• I started watching cable tv for the first time in over a year (weird)
  
• There are, in fact, Stevie Nicks fans younger than me, and I found them. (weirder)

It doesn't sound like a significant list of accomplishments or activities, but it's making a huge impact on my life, both positive and negatively. 

In the beginning, graduation meant starting a new life, a new job, a new me. It's been almost three weeks later and I'm learning that graduation doesn't really mean any of those things. I've been desperately searching and applying for jobs I would love to have, and even ones that I definitely am over qualified for, but the point is, I need income. Although I am sure there is a lesson to be learned, in the moment of heartbreak and disappointment, it just seems endless. 

Ultimately, the plan is to have conquered a career no later than Friday. I don't know if thats really going to happen, but it has to. I just want to really feel independent. Although I have felt independent for along time now, there's another aspect of independence that I haven't quite felt yet, and I think that this may be it. 

Since I've made the big leap from college to the real world, and the even bigger leap from Rexburg to Salt Lake, I find myself feeling a little bit "let down" by it all. The little Idaho town that I once felt was hell, now looks very different to me. I miss Rexburg a lot. My last semester of college brought something fresh and new to my life that I had never felt before. Now that it's over, I'm not sure what I feel, if I even feel anything at all.

Tomorrow will be a new day, just as today was, and I will eagerly search for more jobs, in hopes that Friday really will be the day of employment celebration. The question that lingers in my mind is, what does any of this mean? What does life mean? Why do things happen? Is there actually any real reason why anything happens, or does it just happen? I have no inclination of whether things are just a series of constant changing events, triggered by each thing before it, or if there is something spiritual actually going on that is directing event traffic. I don't know. But that is definitely what I am going to be pondering and figuring out until I can understand any of this. 

Until next time...

Sometimes it just be that way.

I've come to the conclusion that sometimes things are just how they are and no matter what we do to change them or alter them, you just can't. For along time I felt like I knew that everything was changeable, that no matter the situation or circumstances that lie before you, there was always something you could do to make it better...or not even better...just different in some way. I think I have proven myself wrong.

As vague as this is, I can't really elaborate on the story any more than this because there are others involved. However, the point is....maybe we actually shouldn't want to be in control of everything. Maybe some relationships and situations in our lives should just remain how they are. Maybe we should just let the memories live on and stop trying to make peace with them. 

So, thats what I've done and I must admit, it feels good. It feels incredibly GOOD to just be at peace with myself and not frustrated about changing myself or trying to change someone else to make a supposed "better"situation. 

To sum this up, I guess, if you are having a hard time following because I tend to ramble and be really vague sometimes, is that sometimes we just have to let things go. This actually might make more sense if EVERYONE reads my book that IS going to get published someday....haha, well....one can only hope, right? It really is kinda good, I'm not just saying that because I wrote it either. 

BFF's

I've gotten rusty in my writing skills it seems. I haven't written anything in so long and it's been quite refreshing actually. However, I do miss it. On the other hand, what is there to write about anyway??? 

Friends. That is what is on my mind today. I've had many friends come and go in my life and for the longest time through middle and high school, I felt like everyone had a best friend but me. There were those that said they considered me "one of their best friends" but I never had that "Beaches" friendship like Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey had. It wasn't until college that I met my very best friend, a friendship I never thought I'd have.

We've been through almost every possible situation you could imagine and we're always there for each other. Of course we have out little ins and outs with each other, things that make us mad, but our friendship is so far beyond that. I know her heart and she knows mine and we'll always take up for each other as long as we're alive. College is soon coming to an end and it will be hard to live far away from her, but we've already lived in different states for a semester and when we saw each other again, it was like we'd just seen each other the day before. 

It's hard to find good friends that bring you up. Veronica and I will always be bff's. I recently just watched "The Women" for a second time and I finally could relate to one of those friendship movies. Those silly, heart felt friendships you see in movies aren't just in the movies, they can be real, but are rare. I'm thankful for mine. 

To be or not to be?

The semester is ALMOST OVER! Tomorrow is the last day for me for a week and a half and then I only have 3 months and I will officially be done with college. Some might say...go to grad school...but I say, bleep grad school. I figure, since I am a journalism major, I'll never make any money anyway, so why invest more money in grad school when I won't ever be able to pay it back? Exactly my point.

Upon my graduation, I will not be celebrating the mere fact that I am graduating, but instead I will glorify the fact that I actually went to college in the first place, got my Associates, and then continued on to my Bachelors. Especially since I moved to Rexburg, of all places, this was very difficult to do.

Now I am at another crosswalk in life. Where do I go from here? I've only known school and school, and then some more school with bits and pieces of homework and group projects scattered about. But what now? I've gotten really comfortable in Rexburg, not enough to want to stay here or anything, but enough that I wouldn't mind living in the west a little longer. Veronica and I discussed moving to Provo because we loved Salt Lake so much, but we could never live there again. Provo is a little more relaxed than SLC, full of potential millionaires(haha), and lots of shopping. But I just don't know if thats really what I want to do. I would love to see where that road leads to, but I miss South Carolina a lot. I miss being able to go outside and spend time with my dogs, or go for a walk in the woods, ride on old familiar roads, visit my mom's grave, run into old friends, etc. I just can't see what Provo has to offer me right now.

I'm thinking that it will be a pretty safe road to try. I mean, I lived in the ghetto of SLC for a summer and then next to the homeless shelter, so Provo seems like such a walk in the park. I just have mixed feelings about it, is all.

On the other hand, moving there could lead to much opportunity, jobs, new friends, new ward, new apt, new boys, you get the idea. I'm thinking this.....I will move to Provo under certain conditions, 1. I have to live in an apt that allows dogs and I need a Shih zu, 2. I need my own room. I'm 23, End of story, 3. If the boys of Provo don't have game, I'm out.

We shall see.

Reflections from the Snow Covered Hills

So it's been about a week since I last blogged because I've been a little bogged down in school. I finally have a minute to collect my thoughts a write a little something.

The end of winter semester here at BYU-Idaho is coming to a close and as I've been reflecting on the last 3 months, I've realized a few important things.

1. It is simply NOT ok to slack off for 2 months and then expect to get all A's the last month.
2. Life is better when you actually go to church for the right reasons.
3. Roommates can be your best friends if you get the right apartment.
4. Roommates can be overwhelming.
5. Some things are NOT ok even if they are in the name of love.
6. Scroll is actually a credible paper, regardless of what students here have to say.
7. Rexburg winters DO last the entire semester, and then some.
8. Redbox is apparently the hottest thing to hit this town since the pioneers.
9. There was a tutor the WHOLE semester for Sociology that basically gives out answers to the test....sad I only found that out for the last test!
10. Texas Roadhouse in Idaho Falls is a little piece of Heaven.
11. People are still going to the gym and standing in a line to WALK ON A TREADMILL.
12. The stadium stairs will either kill you or give you the tightest pair of calves you've ever had in your life!
13. People are still meeting and getting engaged in record time.
14. The girls at Sage Spa definitely have spirit fingers.
15. Never get a pedicure at Career Beauty College.
16. Some people do get lost in Idaho Falls and call other people who aren't even from Idaho to help them(love ya long time, Lindsay).
17. Jazz Night is actually VERY cool.
18. People do not appreciate others cooking for them.
19. Laurissa had pms the WHOLE semester...or at least thats what she said her reasoning was for never talking to me.
20. It is, in fact, possible to make it through another winter here without doing something irate.

There is much more to say about this semester, but at this particular point, this is all I can think of. My mind is a mess with all the group projects I still have left to complete in a week. I'll keep you posted.

What It Would Be Like

Shopping at the mall, getting my nails done, and driving on a long trip always make me wonder what it would be like if my mom were here with me as an adult.

I remember my relationship with her as a child well and our sometimes difficult relationship as a teenager. I'm glad I have those memories, but I wonder what our relationship would be like now as an adult. So many things have changed in my life, so many years gone since she passed away, and everyday I still wonder how things might have been today.

I hear so many people talk about their relationships with their mothers, I listen to my roommates talk to their moms on the phone and it always crosses my mind, would she and I have that same kind of relationship? Would she call me to check up on how my classes were going? Go Christmas shopping together during the break? Would she be proud of the things I have accomplished in my life so far? Would I randomly call her to talk about the cute boy that asked me out? Would she be there for me when he broke my heart?

I think about those questions a lot and even though it makes me sad, it's okay because since I don't know, I can pretend she would be all of those things for me.

Most of the time I never think about how different not having a mom makes me. I guess I assumed it had no real affect on me at all, that I was invincible when it came to emotional heartache. But now I've realized that it's made me SO different from a lot of my friends. For example, I want to be compassionate towards others and their trials, but I can't. I love my friends and am concerned for them, but in my mind, I know they can make it through and so I don't spend a lot of time feeling sorry for people.

I suddenly became very independent. The little girl who never used to want to be away from her home, went all the way across the country for college and never looked back once. I found peace in being alone and not so much caring how many close friends I had.

I was very needy as a child, very clingy to my parents, especially my mom, and if someone had told me back then that I would lose my mom when I was 19, I would have lived my life in total despair. I would have never gone anywhere and spent every moment with her. And the biggest change it's made in me is that I just feel old. Maybe losing my mom isn't the whole reason, but I just feel old most of the time.

I've never really taken a moment to really think about these issues surrounding my mom's death, but I'm guessing they're not all good. But on the bright side, as a result of being pushed into being independent and more responsible, I've grown so much as a person. Probably more so than I had if she was still here. I would definitely rather have her back than all these life experiences, but I can see God's hand in most everything I've gone through.

I guess the point is, I just wonder. What if, what if, what if, you know? I'm so different from the 19 year old she left, that who even knows what kind of a relationship we would have. Maybe she wouldn't even like me anymore. Or maybe she would love me even more. It's impossible to know. But what I might suggest is taking your blessings into consideration and thanking our Heavenly Father for all that we have, especially if we have our moms still. Although I've lost my mom, I was blessed with a friend, so rare and so obviously from our Father in Heaven, that I can't complain much about what I'm missing in life.

Live everyday to the fullest. It's the only way to be. God will never give us more than we can bear.

Sheryl Crow said it best....

"....I think a change would do you good".

And it remains true. Something I've learned these last few months is that if you go through life trying to live for someone else, you'll never be happy.

This year I chose to make 2009 not only about me, but what I could do to be a better person to serve others. Honestly, my first couple months at this was unsuccessful. However, as time has progressed and situations have unfurled, it's gotten a lot easier to see the changes in others simply because of a change in me.

Maybe it was because I woke up one day startled by the thought that I was actually 23 and had done nothing significant. Or maybe it was because I was tired of being miserable with myself because I felt like people in my life didn't care because they thought I was selfish. Well anyway, whatever the reason, a change was made.

I've never been to this point in my life before where I am actually happy for no reason. I find delight in simplicity. I used to crave the company of others and fear the thought of being alone. Not anymore. It saddens me to think of all the years I wasted thinking I was inadequate to have friends or people to love me.

Realizing your life has value, but realizing OTHERS life has worth and value is the core of life, the root of happiness. If I had only figured all that out earlier, what a difference that would have made. Life can be exceptional if we can find that place and joy in our lives that we all possess, but often is misplaced. Dig deep, search high and low, it is always there just waiting for you.

Restroom 911

Alright, I have a little bone to pick with women's restrooms. Before I get started, I just want to say it is NOT ALL RESTROOMS, only some, although I still can't figure it out. Let me just paint you a colorful picture real quick...

So, I've just gotten to The Rex theater here in Rexburg to see the movie "Taken". This is a much anticipated event for me and after 2 bottles of water, I really need to go to the restroom. I mean, this movie was SOOOO good that I didn't see how I was going to be able to work out a bathroom break, but after holding it for awhile, I couldn't resist.

I walked up to one of the nicest bathroom doors I have seen in awhile, opened the door, was greeted by the fresh scent of lavender and baby boo, and found myself a stall that looked safe. But here is the problem....just as I can see the toilet and my bladder feels like it is going to explode, I reach up to lock the door,there is a sliding lock and there is a latch that the lock slides into...but....wait.....SURPRISE, the sliding lock is about 2 inches below the latch!!!! Ok, ok, ok..don't panic, Bryson. There are 7 other stalls at my disposal, all for me, right there, just open. So I hurry and run to the next available one. SURPRISE! Same dilemma! Lock does not meet latch! So, it's getting kind of weird, I'm hoping this is not a pattern for this particular restroom, but yes....the 3rd stall, same deal. By the time I hit the 4th stall, having the door shut completely was not a requirement nor did I care anymore.

But you know...this is not even the first time I have found myself in this situation. It just never dawned on me until this very night, that this is a growing trend among women's restrooms. Well, I can only speak for women's restrooms, you men might experience this same kind of torture, but somehow I don't think you guys really care. I mean, I can't imagine standing next to a total stranger, taking care of personal business, and then saying "whats up?". I think that if I saw something like that going on in a women's restroom, I would immediately refer to a Melissa Etheridge song in my mind and that is not the kind of bathroom experience I try to have.

So what did I do? Well, I lived to tell about it, so I obviously got some urinary relief, but I made a point to call that theater the next day and ask why in the world would someone make a door that doesn't reach the latch. They had no clue. In fact, I'm pretty sure the person I was talking to had never even been inside that restroom. But now they are aware and the next time I see a movie I will definitely NOT be drinking 2 bottles of water.

What the run???

Well, I almost died 30 minutes ago. I harassed my roommate for an hour to go running with me at the gym, and when she was finally ready, boy was I sorry. For a girl who said she didn't like running, she sure zipped up that hill with little or no effort. Poor me...lagging behind, barely keeping up, what a shame. It's been awhile since I actually worked my body. I'm so used to going to the gym, getting on my nice little treadmill, and going as slow as I wanted for as long as I wanted, tricking myself into thinking I was really making a difference. Tonight was different. We ran all the way up the hill to the Benson and then across campus, up some random stairs, and then back down. It was hardcore. I felt like I was on an episode of The Biggest Loser. Well, I always did say I wanted to be on that show.

I wish I was motivated enough to get up and do it again in the morning, although I know I won't. I miss exercising regularly, being obsessed about gaining an ounce back of any of the weight I had lost. Now, somehow I've lost that drive. I still care, but I see the scale go up a pound every once in awhile and I try to convince myself that it could be worse. I need to get for real and stop screwing around because I will NOT go back to the weight I was in high school.

I've set a real goal tonight. I want to be the best me and I can be. I changed a lot of other things in my life to do that, but to fully become the best person I can be, I need to be healthy. It doesn't mean looking like Kate Moss in 1997, it just means getting fit, watching what I eat, and getting exercise and rest. How hard can that really be? I'm so lucky too. I go to a school where I have access to a free gym and plenty of hills to climb. There is no reason to be 1 pound overweight anymore. I've realized, not only with weight, but with anything in life, it's all about what YOU want. If I want a cookie, I will find one, right? So if I want to lose 30 lbs, thats up to me too. I can achieve it if I really work. And what is more rewarding than losing 30 lbs and being able to say you did i ALL alone, without the help of anyone? It's a good feeling to work really hard and feel good and have others notice the change. I need that back in my life.

Alright, well...I should stop wasting good time I could be doing some crunches or something. Get motivated people, love yourself, life is so short, your youth is not forever! Ha. Start running today. And someone needs to volunteer to run the 10K with me this yr in the Teton Dam race. Any takers?

TAKEN

Ok ok ok ok, time for a quick movie review. So, last night I went to see "Taken" and I was so stunned and unbelievably flabbergasted at this movie. It was amazing. Liam Neeson was awesome. I haven't seen him in too many movies, but he is definitely going on my new favs list of actors. It was brilliant. I am normally not an action movie type of person, but this movie for sure is one of my favs now. So, if you haven't seen "Taken", just go see it. I might even go see it again for the heck of it. Veronica and I left the theater spinning donuts out of the parking lot because it had us to pumped up to take some kind of action and be on an adventure. Such a good movie...SO good.

I must confess...but judge me not

So, there was a little "situation" that occurred last week that I have been questioned about constantly thanks to our lovely roommate and my #8 on my 25 things no one needed to know about me on Facebook. Everyone wants to know what happened last Monday, did we get arrested, did we get handcuffed, blah blah. Well, let me put those wandering minds to rest and tell you the true story of what happened.

Setting: Monday night...after FHE, American Manor, two girls bored out of their minds, procrastinating homework. Our original plan of going to workout at the gym was short lived. We showed up at the Hart just to find a line of people waiting to get on a treadmill. That seems really ironic and weird to me to see people STANDING STILL IN A LINE to get on a treadmill. Like...ok, whatever. So, we came back home, sad we didn't work out, but still pumped enough we wanted to do something crazy. Earlier in the week, a group of friends had told us all these horror stories of this specific towing company here in town. Apparently, this towing guy rides around to all the apartments looking for cars, even cars that are visitors, just to tow them and charge crazy amounts of money to get your car back. This outraged my friend(it doesn't take much sometimes)and she was ready to take some sort of action towards this tow truck man. She is much like a young female Robin Hood in many ways. Her first idea, which was not a good idea, will not be mentioned in this story. The second idea that I had, was to get some eggs and throw them at the tow truck. Sadly, we went with that idea.

The Victory: So, we found the towing company, but it didn't seem like a good idea to throw the eggs being that the two men were outside getting their truck ready. So we followed them. Yes, we did. With our black sweats, black hoodies, and black hats, we followed that tow truck to at least 4 different apartments, waiting for the right time to strike. Finally, at a complex in clear view of the Snow building, we parked the car, turned off the lights, and prepared to throw the eggs. But to our dismay, they had decided to actually tow a car and had stopped the truck to load it on. My roommate all of a sudden exploded with this super power, opened her door, took off running with 2 eggs, and yelled for me to get in the drivers seat. I was so confused. Never had I heard of this plan of her getting out of the car. At first I just sat in the drivers seat, watching her run, wondering what she was actually going to do. Well, what she did was what she shouldn't have done. She ran right up to the truck, threw the eggs at the window, and took off running to the second driveway. I quickly sped around corner, turned down the next street to meet her, and what I found was a crime gone horribly wrong. My roommate had been tackled on the sidewalk by the tow truck man. She was kicking and screaming obscenities and I just sat there in the car feeling very afraid. He was yelling "call the police, call the police!!!". At that point, I didn't know what else to do. So I did the white thing to do...I drove off and left my friend tackled on the sidewalk. I drove around the corner to my apt, jumped out the car, stood there for a second, and then realized I could NOT leave my best friend like that, it wasn't right, she wouldn't do it to me. So, I grabbed the keys and was about to take off running back around the corner to where she was, when I say my other roommate waving to me from the stairs of my apartment, she was locked out. GREAT! Now I would have to tell her, right? So, I told her the whole story...she also used to be Relief Society President, if that explains how embarrassing it was to tell her the story. So, we drove over to the apt in her car, TWO police cars there, my friend sitting on the steps being yelled at by a very dikeish woman police officer, and me feeling my pulse harder than ever. After being complimented for our deeds and laughed at for our age, my friend was issued a ticket and a court date. And that was it.

And now....it is funny. No it was not funny that night. It was stupid, we were dumb, we will never do anything like that again. However, I have at least done something now that I can laugh about and tell my grandchildren someday. So I am not totally regretting it. So just so everyone knows, no we did not get arrested or cuffed, just a ticket. The end.

"Surname" lol

“Good day.” Good day? Are you serious?! That’s what someone said to me as they passed me walking to campus the first week of school.

The things I hear on campus never cease to amaze me. Every time I try to have a nice little walk to school, all alone in my head, blaring ipod and all, someone tries to talk to me. Why? Why does everyone around here feel like they need to speak to every other person that passes?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a mean thing to do. However, it’s inconvenient to the other person for a number of reasons. One, they simply may not want to be bothered at 7:30 a.m. in the dark. It’s odd, it’s weird, stop doing it. Two, maybe they can’t hear you. Some people are really into their Kayne West and Britney Spears to have to be constantly aware of their surroundings. Three, maybe some kids have grown up in areas where talking to random people gets you gunned down. Maybe.

But in what world do I live that people still say “good day”? For real? And another oddity that occurred today….even more weird, a guy knocked on the apt door and asked for some random girl that doesn’t live here. So, being a concerned citizen and fellow Saint, I wanted to help him and asked her last name. To my surprise he said “Oh, I don’t recall her surname”. What the blank! Surname? Really? Did he really just speak like that in my doorway?

Had it not been for my civilized roommate standing behind me, I might have fallen to the ground with pure laughter. He wasn’t even one of those trench coat, yoda wearing guys either, so I was somewhat shocked at his comments.

I want to go home.

Living Situation

I think my roommates are afraid of me. No really. They are afraid of me and it makes me sad.

My best friend and I moved to Rexburg last year just to stay locked in our room all winter contemplating how and when we should escape this town. But after careful thought and prayer, we came to the conclusion that it wasn’t as much the town, as it was our living situation.

Our roommates never talked to us. In fact, if any of them read this, I bet $2 they don’t even remember they lived with me. We were cool people too, that’s why I couldn’t figure out why they distanced themselves from us all the time.

As the semester progressed, I tried my darnedest to get them to like me, like sometimes leaving dishes for them to do so they felt needed, or sitting garbage around the trash can so I wasn’t leaving it on the counter, or even sometimes I would leave food in the fridge for them but they would just let it spoil for months.

I really thought I was doing everything I could to win them over, but for some reason, it wasn’t working.

Currently, this semester seems to be going rather well…only 1 roommate afraid of me, maybe. I think the other one likes Veronica and I, that, or either she’s just not dumb enough to get on our bad side. But I’d like to think she actually likes us. We like her, at least.

The other one doesn’t speak to us. Not a word. All day long, all night, nothing. I hear her grunting in the kitchen sometimes when she doesn’t appreciate the evenly stacked dishes in the sink, but other than that, not a word. But the reason I know she is afraid of us is because she never says anything to us. I also got word that she actually said she doesn’t like us. But her reason was absurd. However, she still hasn’t approached me, so I guess she will have to keep living in fear. Not that we are actually scary, because we aren’t. My best friend even cries in church sometimes, so I know we are good people.

But I am determined to make this apartment a whole, where love is near and we all like each other. It will happen…or else! Ha.

Step it Up, Yo!

“Hey, how’s it going? I couldn’t help but notice you from across the classroom. I was wondering if your name was Visa because you’re everywhere I wanna be.”

That’s how it would go down where I’m from, but not in Rexburg. Around here, if I dare look at a guy longer than 3 seconds, he immediately breaks the eye contact and nervously starts skimming through a book. At first, I thought it might just be the type of guys that go to this university.

I’ve also thought about the possibility that there might just be something wrong with me, but I can’t even fathom that idea. I mean, if you knew me, you would know that is absolutely not the case.

I came here under the impression that guys are pretty much the same anywhere. That they approach you the same, use the same pick up lines, and so on. But that’s definitely not what I found. I found myself in a world full of unsure and shy men. Right? Am I completely making this up?

I know I am not the only girl here that feels this way because I’ve actually done a little independent survey and my studies show that getting a guy to ask you out is somewhat challenging in Rexburg. However, I’ve never had to overcome this obstacle in life before, so this gives me a little chuckle.

Back in South Carolina, I could simply be grocery shopping, and if I caught a guy’s attention, he would let me know. Whether it be “yo, shawty, lemme get them digits” or “Do your eyes hurt?...because they’re killing me, darling”, I would at least be approached. Hey, I had options. Do you?

That is my point. I think guys here are very much conservative, even the ones who say they are rebels, they aren’t. In a town where approximately 2 people get engaged per hour(I totally made that up, but I bet I am pretty accurate), how are these people getting to the point of marriage if the men are not stepping up their game?

And if you are reading this thinking I am bitter, you are wrong. I just want to know what is so embarrassing about going up to a girl, asking her out and then not being weird about it. I’ll even go out on a limb and speak up for most females on campus and say, men, it is okay to approach us. We do not expect rings on the first date, well, the second date might be a different story, but…only kidding.

I miss the days of “excuse me, can I talk to you for a minute?” I’ve gone on dates in Rexburg but they always end up really bizarre because they usually started out that way. I just want everyone to know there is no mold you have to fill just because you’re in the LDS dating scene when it comes to asking girls out.

Be brave. Take a deep breath. Be silly. Walk up to that cute girl you passed by the Hart and let her know that her “ponytail is ridiculous” and that you want to “holla”. If she turns around and says “holla back” then you have succeeded. Mission accomplished.

When dreams seem real

Have you ever had one of those dreams at night that you just totally cannot stop thinking about? It seemed so real and you feel like it's part of your life now? I mean, it's life changing right? Well...that happened to me last night and I think I am going to live out this dream....

Don't even laugh. I had a dream that I was on stage...singing...something beautiful that I had written, it almost made me cry, actually. But it wasn't in 2009, it was in some other time...maybe 1988 or something fabulous like that. I had a flowing red dress on with red lipstick, my hair was jet black with loose curls, and there was a sympathy orchestra behind me. It was amazing. And after the concert, I climbed into my limo and drove to a wonderful hotel somewhere at the top of a mountain. I know, I know...it sounds stupid, but it wasn't. It was amazing and I want that to happen to me. I love to sing. Those who really know me know this about me, and you also know why I don't really sing anymore. But I want to. I miss it. Singing gives me such a feeling of peace and purity.

So....if I decide to really pursue this dream, peace to all my Rexburg peeps.

When life gives you lemons...

......throw them a curve ball back. ha. Just kidding.


It has come to my attention that a very strange thing has happened to me without me knowing it. Well, I know it now, obviously, but the process was quick and painless and now I am reflecting.

I've spent a good many years of my life whining and complaining, wallowing in my misery, and being jealous of others. And all for what? For nothing. It has gotten me NOWHERE. Actually, it did take me somewhere. It took me to a dark place that I never want to be again.

My thinking was all screwed up back then (like...a months ago) and I just couldn't see any of the positive that actually existed in my life. All I saw was all the good things happening to everyone else and me sitting in the corner all alone. How did I let myself get to this point? I don't know. I honestly didn't set out to do this to myself. Had I known the damage I was causing to myself, as well as others, I would have never let it get as bad as it did.

It was extremely easy to rationalize my actions and reactions to situations and justify them because of things that happened to me in the past. Well, if everyone in the world decided that oneday they were all going to make excuses for their actions based on experiences they had in their lives, we would most definitely be living in a dangerous place (well, more dangerous than it already is, of course).

The worst part of all was that there were some really cool things happening to my friends but because I couldn't see past my own problems, I missed out on of all of it. Thinking back, that makes me really frustrated and embarrassed.

The past couple weeks I've been trying to be more positive, look at life differently, and appreciate those blessings that I receive because they've been given to me. How dare I ignore the good that Heavenly Father has so graciously decided to send my way? Just so I can look around for something better that happened to someone else? How stupid is that?

I'm so glad I figured it out, all on my own too. WELL, not completely on my own, with a little help from someone, and my massive brain, I finally got it all together. Life is great.

Fabulous

This is Lil Kitty. He is, by far, the smartest, most prettiest Lil Kitty I have ever seen.

Forever Single and it's MY choice

No...really, it's a choice I've chosen. It's not like I'm one of those weird, Harry Potter kind of girls...you know the ones I'm talking about. I completely understand the pros and cons to marriage and I've decided that for MY life, the cons definitely out weight the pros.

To be completely honest, I was one of those girls who made the big move out west in search of the perfect Mormon husband. He'd be a returned missionary, we'd meet in college, get married in the temple, have a few freckled kids and live happily ever after. That's what I wanted. No, that's what I wanted to to want. But I don't. At least not the way people out here in Mormon land do it. Now...I know, I am going to get some hate mail from this. Maybe I'll lose a friend, but it's clearly MY opinion...and you know what they say about opinions....well, there are a few sayings. But I feel as if I must vocalize my opinions when I'm feeling trapped, so excuse this blog and still love or move on.

When my best friend in kindergarten got a really cool plastic pink Barbie backpack, I had to have one. So I got one. In middle school, when everyone had one of those virtual pet things, I desperately needed one. So of course, I got one. The list goes on, but you get my point. The same goes for most people, when someone has something that is "cool" or "unusual", you just want it too. On the other hand, one of my best friends got a few unusual piercings in high school, but that kind of made me think a little harder about what I really wanted.

After high school and a series of identity crisis's, I thought I finally knew who I was and where I was going in life. Living in a town where LDS is not the majority was always hard and I did long to be with others I could identity with a little better. So, nothing would do but for me to venture off to the great west...the Great Salt Lake actually, and what I found was something very different than what I expected. My roommate was a little eccentric, always talking about marriage as if it were a prize and we were all in a competition. It didn't take me long to figure out that getting married was the "in" thing to do if you were a day over 18. Well, I was 21. That's basically 3 years into retirement around these neck of the woods. I dated a few guys....none too special. A couple could have been potential husbands, but a lot were just plain desperate. It really wasn't that hard to differentiate. After I graduated LDS Business College I was 22 and STILL not married. As my last religion teacher put it, "if you're a girl and over 21 and STILL not married, you've greatly decreased your opportunity to find a LDS husband." Needless to say, my time had run out.

In a panic, I quickly registered for classes at BYU-Idaho in hopes that there was still just ONE guy that was a menace to society and I'd find him. One year in Rexburg and no Romeo. Whatever shall I do?

But it was that year at BYU-I that made me put on my thinking cap, set aside all those wedding announcements of my roommates, and decide what it was that I wanted. I suddenly found myself in a mini panic. I had been setting myself up for failure the past 3 years, thank GOODNESS nobody took me up on my desperation.

Don't get me wrong. I do want to find that special person that loves me with all his heart and vice versa. Everybody wants that, it's a part of being human. But at least 4 people I've met while I've been out here have been married and divorced, all of which started out all hot and heavy and ended cold and lonely. I'm sorry, but I actually value a temple marriage and I refuse to be a statistic just because all my friends think it's cool.

My point is, rather than to do what everyone else is doing, I will continue to follow my heart and wait it out. It really does break my heart to see really young people getting themselves into marriages because it's such a cultural thing in the Mormon community. People! Take a minute and really find out what it is that you want before you do it. I shouldn't care, but I do. So for now, instead of falling victim to the curse of BYU-I-Do, I'm going to choose to be single until I know that it's right.